lost & found: self compassion

Hi, I’m back at work now, but many people didn’t know that I took some time off. Four weeks off on medical leave from Hupacasath Council and my day-job in tourism. I was burned out and losing hope. This is my reflection on how the burnout happened this time, and what I’ve found after some much needed rest.

At the end of February I began feeling another burnout. I knew this was happening but I felt there was no way to stop it, it was coming and I was going to run out of energy. I was not myself and feeling lost. I thought going away for my birthday weekend with my family would help it but one weekend of relaxation does not cure months of unnecessary stress. Burn out is not a bragging right or a sense of prestige, nor should it ever be. This type of mindset is harmful to ourselves and to those around us who genuinely appreciate the time they spend with us.

The challenges I faced this time with burnout were different. I was practicing taking care of myself from the tools I developed over the years. I’ve done coaching, counselling, exercising, journaling, and nourishing my body as best I can. Heck, I even ate fish hash for breakfast once a week! Great granny said fish was brain food and it really is. But all the self-care in the world could not fix a broken situation that needs some serious help. I never felt more alone. I took my break starting on March 25th.

In hindsight, I regrettably ‘put up’ with continued lateral violence since my return to the Council table last April 2021. I was pressured to conform to the team and follow the status quo. I was asked to speak in “we” terms because we are a team, or so it was supposed to be. I chose to speak up to challenge ideas and thinking, but that seemed to put me at odds of a being perceived as a team member. I kept my experience mostly quiet, even after I was blatantly disrespected during a Council meeting in December. 

I experienced eye rolling, scoffing, gas lighting, outbursts, denial of responsibilities and I wasn’t recieving the general information I needed to make decisions. It was getting too unbearable. I couldn’t do the job I was elected to do. I began naming it and calling it out more consistently. I was speaking truth to power. Obviously that didn’t make things better nor was there much support to resolve the situation in a proactive or timely manner. Hence, the unnecessary stress. I was seen as the problem (queue the gas lighting). It seemed that one of the reasons was because I asked questions. Another reason? I am a woman who has emotions. How dare my tear ducts betray me and show the people around the table that they can leak when I'm feeling strong emotions?! 

During one of my mental health appointments, my counsellor asked if I needed rest and said to me “I bet if you went to the Doctor they would say that this person is not well, that this person cannot function”. It unfortunately was the truth. I couldn’t compartmentalize and shift gears back into my day job effectively after negative interactions at HFN which were happening regularly by this point. I booked my visit and I was going onto medical leave for four weeks. My Dr said to me, “we can fix you with this time off but that situation needs to change or you’ll end up back here again”. 

I put my ‘out of office’ responder on, deleted my work email accounts from my phone and didn’t bother plugging in my ipad (I didn’t look again until I took a peek last week!). Now what? I’m anxious, depressed and need to sit with these feelings and find a way through this toxic situation. I felt so low. I’ve never taken this much time off for myself. My ultimate goal was to rest and do nothing. And that’s pretty much what I did. I read books, listened to podcasts and started my garden.

Prior to going on medical leave, I signed up for a six week meditation series focusing on breathwork and techniques for stress management. I was dabbling into meditation here and there but this series really lead me to understand the practice a whole lot more and I am so grateful for it. I’ve started new pathways in my mind and in my heart. I found a way to have deeper compassion for myself and look at the expectations I was putting on myself to please others. Unlocking these pathways will allow for more compassion to flow to others and all the challenges they may face in their lives as well. My brain isn’t bouncing around non-stop  like it was a while ago. I feel a little lighter but there is still tough work ahead. 

I listened to a podcast by The Happiness Lab titled: Burnout and How to Avoid It during my time off. What resonated with me was uncomfortable but rang true. One of the reasons people continually burn out is because they attach their identity and self worth to their work. For me, this felt amplified as I identify as a Hupacasath woman and our women traditionally have impactful roles in our community. How I define my identity is something that I have been mulling over and asking myself leading up to the burnout: Who am I? What do I do with my time? I still have to answer these questions and recalculate my time and energy to the roles I have the privilege to serve in. What I do know is that I am a daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, partner, aunty, and friend. I know that I am enough. 

I truly believe that the Hupacasath community elected me to go and plant seeds of change that would make our ancestors proud. But it’s hard when the environment isn’t healthy enough for things to grow properly to their full potential. I’ve sowed the seeds of change the best I can and will continue to do so and nurture the growth that’s produced. The germination has been a little slow but not all seeds are meant to grow. There is definitely growth to celebrate and I am committed to doing the groundwork for the next seed to thrive. For me, it starts with fostering and making space to not only practice self care, but self-compassion as well. That is what I found during these days of rest to get back to being myself. I found love to be my best self again.

Note to reader: I share this publicly because it’s my truth and it gives insights as to why I have been unavailable and away. I hope that it inspires others to look inward and find more self compassion. I feel it’s important to share high’s and low's in one’s personal leadership journey. I know there are indigenous youth and people who may be inspired by other people’s journeys and perseverance by looking into another person’s experience. By sharing my own experience I am helping myself heal by not carrying this alone anymore. Thank you for taking the time to read. Thank you to my friends and family who’ve supported me during this time.